I’m so tired.
So tired of being accused of doing something that was never my intention. So tired of fighting. So tired of my bleeding heart. And yet. I still worry. That “friend” who trusts their significant other over me. I worry for that one as there are things that are common sense to those of a minority background but they do not know or understand it. Their family should be ashamed of themselves for trying to erase the light of a person who needed support and kindness to grow. For not teaching the things that are important to protect that light from things that are culturally different from western society.
I am a territorial person who tries their best to protect and aid those who are “mine” to speak. But, if anyone wants to leave my sphere of influence, I cannot keep them there. I must let them go. But, it means that my trust and love may have been misplaced. I will not open the door to my den widely anymore to them, but with hints of suspicion and caution. They cannot fully regain my trust and love for it is likely that it will be thrown back in my face again. But, I will still do what I can to help.
I may have threatened to sue and curse that friend, their bloodline, and their significant other. But they must remember that I was not in state to make any sound decisions after a mental breakdown, making me want to kill myself. I pretend to be fine because I have to. I am still not fine at all but I can understand that it was not a good thing to do and that we had slightly moved on from it after a long discussion. I was still recovering until, this past weekend, the significant other ripped off the scab and made my mind shake again. The significant other via text brought up the topic again as evidence of harassment for sending messages of greetings and “hi, how have you been?” over the course of 1-2 weeks. I cried. I cried in a public place where I have been told numerous times that showing weakness like that in public will get me killed. My heart was ripped open and I hid in a corner to wipe my escaping tears before pretending to be not affected while trying to enjoy my time with my twin.
The one who have recently left my care, I ask if it really was your wish to leave. If it was not, then contact me to express that (though I highly doubt you would for a while as you hardly come onto wordpress and have recently unfollowed me). If it was your wish, then please know I cannot start a conversation with something important right off the bat. I have to make small talk first to gauge if you are awake or if you are willing to discuss the topic. Providing shelter is one such topic I cannot jump right into when first chatting again. Sending messages of greetings is my opening to the small talks and important discussions. If you had replied back with that you were busy, I would not have minded it but just tacked on the important topic as an “after thought” before getting out of your hair.
To the significant other, you made me cut ties with the group, including a member of the group that did not deserved to be bothered. You say that I influenced him to distance himself from you. Ha. You overestimate my abilities. That boy, who knew you much longer than I have met anyone of this so called “quartet” is capable of thinking on his own. I did not cause him to have those thoughts, he already had them for a while now. If I did have a part, then it should have been minimal. He knew you for so long and now he is not wanting to be near you? Have you not considered the fact he and I felt left out of the group with you and the last member being an item? That he felt left behind when we talked about the elysium? That he felt that he needed to busy himself so much that he does not have the time to be alone with his thoughts? You make it out as if I am the sole cause of all the problems that occurred in the group when it is the two of us. Forgive me for this grossly exaggerted interpretation, but you act like a wild alpha mutt who feels his place in the pack is being threatened. I dislike you. There was a time I was neutral and may have liked being around you in the beginning but as we interacted more, I grew to dislike you more and more. You are hostile to me at times that even the others in the group feel you are acting odd. You swear at times to make a point but are the points even valid? I do not remember anymore but I am done with bickering like children with you.
But, if it turns out that you acted alone on this without consulting the victim, then I will be forced to “take” the youngest from your controlling grasp. I will not tolerate being slandered when I was the one who stayed by the light in our group when they had to go to the hospital. You may have been rescued by them but you are the only one in the group not a part of the minority demographic in this country so there are things that you will never understand. You have a history of depression and other issues that and still do, required assistance but that does not give you the right to be a controlling freak. If you did consult with your partner who is also the victim in this situation and they have agreed to my treatment, then I will take back what I said in this post and accept that our friendship was not meant to be. But, if that is not the case, then please allow me to follow your example. GO FUCK YOURSELF!
The door to my den will accept those who need my help. If the youngest or the light requires my aid, then my heart will bleed for them once more. Even if they do not want it, I will still do it for even if I am no longer an actual member of the group, I am the cloud that come and goes, offering up all that I am to my light and sky.