I am writing this post at a time that I should be sleeping in preparation for my stats test later today. This is very stupid of me, but yeah. I am doing this.
I have looked back at my past posts and I am seeing that I tend to post daily for a few days before dropping off the board. This may have to do with my coping strategy in that I push things I do not like to the side or the back of my mind. After that, it becomes like a volcano where it all explodes after the buildup. My uncle’s death still weighs heavily on my family’s mind. My mother’s eyes still begin to water at any mention of him and she forces herself to fight the feeling back. I, myself, begin to have tears forms, even as I write this. I am not sure if I should seek help or not; though it has not begun to impact my studies, which is a good thing since that is one of the few things I am even remotely adequate at other than making a fool out of myself and trying to hide from my problems. Luckily, Mana-chan was there by my side, and stayed even when I still feel they should have ran away when we first met. I am grateful for their constant presence as I continued to be a selfish inconsiderate jerk to them. I am slowly trying to find ways to repay them back for their efforts put into our friendship that must have been disastrous from the start.
Another one of my friends, who I will call Anh (Big brother in Vietnamese), have recently expressed some of his woes to me. After the talk, he called me amazing. Amazing in that I attempted to give him some advices and encouragements where others only said that they were sorry to hear his bad news. He told me he was glad to know me. Hahahaha. I am so sorry Anh, but that is all a lie. I am nothing, worthless, someone you should not even need to hear supportive comments from when you are the amazing one.
I do not understand where all of these people are coming from and why they decide to stay in order to get to know me. Do I even deserve to know the feeling of their light? No. I do not. I should stay in the shadows and only look over them. I should not step into their life with my pathetic and laughable existence. We will go our separate ways soon enough, where they will meet people more deserving of their smiles and forget about me. I am satisfied with just that and cannot allow myself to grow even the slightest bit greedy for their affections. I am happy to be on this broken rough road, for it is all that I deserve. I must not overstep my position in this world. Others will walk towards the light but, I turn my back to it and face the darkness to allow those more worthy than I to bathe in the light’s warmth. Fate and the cards may not tell me this, but I am certain this is true. This is where I belong with this mad circus of mine.